


Dysphoria

by Xiem



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Dysphoria, Hallucinations, Insomnia, M/M, One Shot, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Tragedy, trigger warning, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-15
Updated: 2014-06-15
Packaged: 2018-02-04 17:03:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1786570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xiem/pseuds/Xiem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dysphoria; The opposite of euphoria.  A recognized mental and emotional condition in which a person experiences intense feelings of depression, discontent, and in some cases indifference to the world around them.</p><p>A oneshot, in which Niall loves Harry, but all Harry can only feel is apathy about everything which leads him to his downfall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dysphoria

 

(Unedited)

 

Time passes by too fast, Harry thinks, as he stares at the clock. His body feels heavy, he doesn’t want to get up and gravity is pulling him down, making him feel like a rock falling from a cliff. He leans back on his chair, looking towards the clouds, but he doesn’t think. He just watches. He feels uncomfortable, and unhappy. ‘They’re so free’ is what he’ll say. He turns his head and stares blankly at the door, hearing keys being fumbled with and clumsy rustling.

The door swings open. Messy blonde hair and calm blue eyes enter. Harry stares, and he still feels nothing. Just like yesterday, like today.. and probably tomorrow. He turns around once again, contemplating the silence a little longer. He can hear Niall, hear his small breaths as he hangs his coat. A coat that shouldn’t be worn in the weather they’ve been having. He doesn’t understand Niall. He probably never will, but he really doesn’t care.

Niall moves swiftly, he pulls up a chair next to Harry, in front of the large glass sliding door. Niall stares at Harry, admiring his calm features. His face twisted in discomfort when Niall leans in a bit closer to him. Harry says nothing, Niall says nothing. The silence is almost unbearable. The atmosphere has changed and Niall is disappointed. Harry knows. He doesn’t know what to do about it, because it really isn’t his problem, and it’s not his fault.

*

Niall is trying. Trying to understand Harry. Trying to make sense of the pauses, and the facial expressions that Harry makes. Niall loves Harry, he really does. Ever since the 6th grade when Niall tripped and Harry had told him to be careful, but Harry’s changed. Niall knows, that very well. But he continues to love him, he’s not sure why. Yet, Niall loves him.

There are times, when Harry has a smile on his face, but it’s not often. Not like before. He sits in silence at the table, doesn’t make an effort to start a conversation or to carry one on. People often think he’s autistic, but in reality, Harry just doesn’t want to make the effort, he doesn’t see the point. Niall tries to talk to Harry about work, tell him how well it’s going and how much the company has been earning. Harry will nod every once in a while, to show Niall that he is listening, because he truly is, he just doesn't think it’s important.   
Niall asks sometimes, how his book is going. If he’s been reaching the deadlines, and Harry tells him, he is, and that he needs to get back to work. Niall frowns, and Harry feels guilty for just a second before shrugging it off.

*

 

Harry used to have a lot of friends in highschool. They’d come over and talk about girls, or they’d catch up on the last footie game, or make a bet on who could beat who in Fifa, but that Harry is gone. His friends have gone too. All that’s left is Niall. Niall keeps Harry alive, in a way that Harry is oblivious to. Sometimes, Niall thinks about leaving Harry. Niall is hurting and Harry doesn’t notice, or chooses not to notice. He chooses ignorance, and that’s what makes Niall snap. Like when, Niall had, had enough of the silences and the always ending conversations. Niall missed the old Harry, the one that’d tell him he could smell the jasmine from their balcony in mid-spring and would hold him passionately like he used to. When Niall had enough, he’d yell at Harry in hope of some reaction but Harry would take a glance at Niall and walk away.

 

*

 

“Will you kill me, Niall?” Harry had asked. It wasn’t the first time, but this one, was scarce. Harry was serious, his eyes fixed at Niall, for once in a long time and Niall doesn’t want to answer, he wants to make this small moment last. But then Niall, remembers the words, that Harry has just spoken, and he wants to cry, and he’s the first to look away.

 

“Would it matter if I was the one who did it ?” Niall looked up at Harry this time, Harry just sighed. Buried his face in his hands.  

“I’m tired, Niall, but I can’t sleep. I don’t feel anything but unhappiness, and I don’t know why. I’m unhappy. I’ve been unhappy for a very long time. I don’t want to live like this. So.”

“No.” Niall had deadpanned. Tears welled in his eyes, and then Niall started to cry. Harry was shocked. He was shocked, in a long time. It all felt natural what had happened afterward. Harry had pulled Niall against him. Had held him. And for once, in a long time, kissed him. Touched him. Loved him. Niall thought it was going to get better from that moment on, it did. For a while.

*

Harry opened his eyes. The bland white ceiling, unfascinating. Warmth pressed against his body, made him uncomfortable, his eyes darted next to him, his arm wrapped around the small boy, just barely breathing against his chest. He feels peace and lies awake. He thinks.

He overthinks.

Wonders.

Am I really alive?

 

*

Niall wakes up to an empty bed. He hears banging and clanging. He sits up and starts yelling.

“Harry! Harry!” The banging stops. Harry emerges from the bathroom. Blood covering the left side of his head. Niall rushes over, holds Harry in a tight embrace. He scolds Harry in a worried motherly way, washes his wound with water, and applies ice.

“What were you thinking?” Niall asks him.

“Checking if I was dead.”  

“Idiot.”

*

Harry looks around him in confusion. He feels trapped in his own body. He can see the light flickering and it’s bothering him. He can feel a sharp pain in his head area and he feels weak. There’s a constant noise, someone’s calling his name, but he doesn’t want to wake up. Not yet. Not anymore.

 

*

 

Harry. Harry. Ni. Ni. Where are you ? Harry. Harry. Harry!

The lights are too bright. It’s storming, the thunder is loud.

Harry wakes up. His eyelids are heavy but he feels strong enough to stand up, his head is dizzy. His vision is a bit blurred. He can sort of see Niall’s outline.

“Niall?” He calls out. “Is that you?”

‘No’ The voice simply answers, irish accent thick.

“Am I alive?” Harry asks.

‘No.’

“Oh.”  Harry isn’t disappointed. He isn’t. He’s not happy though. He doesn't care, dead or alive. He doesn’t care.. Why don't I care ? Harry wonders.

*

“Worthless.” Niall says, alone at the grave. “Shit.” He curses as he bends down to the tombstone and hurts his knee.

“Listen Harry. It’s been 6 months.” His voice barely over a whisper. “It’s been 6 dreadful months. I can’t eat.. I can’t sleep. Where did you go ? What became of the Harry that I knew in highschool ? What happened ? Was it me ? What changed  ?” Niall coughs, his throat hurts from the cold. “The silence isn’t the same without you, the flat is lonely and empty. The clouds keep frowning at me, hoping to see you at the window instead and your editor. Your poor editor, can’t find your last manuscript. He’s going to get fired, Harry. It’s going to be your fault, you know. “ Niall tries to smile, but only a cracked frown comes out. “I..um...I passed by your mum’s house on my way over here. She’s sad Harry, and your sister. She’s sad too. But mostly me. Harry. I’m sad. I’m miserable. It’s all your fault. I hope you feel guilty. No. “ That isn't what Niall meant. “I’m sorry, Harry. I’m sorry, I couldn't take care of you. I couldn’t help you. No matter what I did, you just didn't listen and you.. you.. um [...]”

*

It's impossible for Harry to remember how he got up on the roof. He had been staring at the clouds. Thinking about life, pondering on memoirs of the past. Staring at the clouds like he usually does, the skies mocking him in an eerie way, forming the shapes of Niall's face, and the corner of his lips slowly tugging upward subconsciously. 

He slowly touched his face. Feeling his skin, feeling his features. Harry was thinking, remembering and asking himself. When he felt tears, and his breath hitched. He didn't know why but he was crying. His heart ached a bit, and his mind pumped, with the energy of what seemed like a thousand miles an hour. 

It was then that he noticed the figure, standing before him, but he hadn't been there a second ago. 

The figure watched him, facing the sun and avoiding his eyes. The act was rude and cowardly, the figure had turned around, but the light was too bright. He couldn't make out any significant colors, but black and white. 

"You're crying, Harry." The voice says. "Big boys shouldn't cry, they shouldn't feel. It's a weakness." The voice tells him.  Harry looks up, seeing the person that had raised him, but the second he blinked, the figure was no longer there, and the sun was fading behind the clouds.

*

"I don't want help." Harry is speaking daggers to Niall, and Niall wants to cry.

"You're seeing things. Harry."

"No. Niall, I'm not." Harry says firmly.

"Harry you woke up screaming. You keep talking to someone named Leo." Niall's body language is unreadable except for the expression of worry on his face. "I hear you in the late hours of the day and the early hours of the morning. You're planning to leave with him and he's  hurting you. Harry, I'm saying this for your own sake. You need help." 

"Niall, you don't know anything. Leo is helping me. He's helping me feel." 

"No-" A glass is thrown in Niall's way and the expression on Niall's face is nothing but horrified. Gentle Harry. Beautiful gentle Harry. Pacifist curly hair lad. Turned violent. The glass shatters just missing Niall and a piece cuts his face. "Harry." 

Harry looks at Niall in horror, like he can't register what he just did. His eyes look down, his features relax. He can't say sorry, he does't want to. They'll say it's his weakness. 

* 

“It’s been a year now. Harry, your book has been published..we found your manuscript."

*

 "He was a good friend. A very close friend, but as you all know. He suffered from dysphoria. He was unhappy and apathetic. It might've been depression but in the 4 years that Harry had become like that, I had grown to understand it a bit. His mood was always a bit better after it rained. He enjoyed silence and especially the clouds. He watched them, and after reading his book, that I barely knew anything about, I felt closer to him than I ever really did. I finally understood, how much he was suffering, how alone he really felt. I never really found out why, or understood how Harry became how he was. He needed help and I just wish, I would've noticed sooner." The crowd clapped as Niall backed away from the panel, his eyes remained on the picture in the back, with his beloved Harry's face, as a commemoration. He missed Harry, dearly. 

*

 

‘ _I can remember little things… I remember, laughing, smiling. I can remember young love. I remember looking at the clouds one day and telling myself that they were free. I remember when I cared. All I feel now is nothing. Should I be sad that I don’t really care if I live or die ? Should I be sad ? I don’t know. I always believed, that everything happens for a reason. I feel dreary lately. I feel tired and weak. And I can’t sleep. I wonder what would happen if I just disappeared. Maybe walk off the edge of the world with my eyes closed.'_

                                  - page 193; ‘Summer Clouds’ - Harry Styles

*

_‘That’s what exactly what he did. He walked off the edge. Like a majestic bird, he was free. The shell that was his body was nothing but a prison, and I believe he’s free now. I believe, he’s better. I believe that he remembers our times. I just hope… that he finally feels like the summer clouds.’_

                            - Niall Horan, a close friend. page 201.

 

* 

"Harry! Step away from the ledge! You're going to fall! Harry! Please!" 

"I want to touch the clouds Niall..they're so pretty, they're so free." Falling backwards into nothing, Harry felt peace, yet he felt sad. Not sad that he was about to fall to his death, sad because he hadn't done this sooner. Sad because he didn't want to see Niall's face contort to such discomfort and such horror. Sad because, he finally realized his mistake. 

~Fin~

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the fic 'Control' by intoyour_arms on wattpad. So go check it out if you haven't already. :) 
> 
> Got a bit lazy nearing the ending... (oops) 
> 
> Please leave a comment or a kudos if you enjoyed the story, feedback would be appreciated. Thanks for reading!


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